this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
