I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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