I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
