i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
