the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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