I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
