I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
