hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Randomize
