my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
it's great music for shaving your balls
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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