Please, let me fuck your mom
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
