So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
