after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
