Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
