She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
