I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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