My Higher Power is John Stamos
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
