Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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