Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
