got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
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Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
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It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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