An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
