You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
