Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
