So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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