he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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