Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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