I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Randomize
