My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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