There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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