She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
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he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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