Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
