does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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