Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
