Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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