Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
