Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
