Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Found the puke drawer
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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