dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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