I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
