My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
