Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
