He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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