I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
