gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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