drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
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