I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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