i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
