My underwear smells like fireworks.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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