The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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