come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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