last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
