I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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