So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
