And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
