she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
