whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I can't turn off my feet"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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