I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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