I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
